In a tough spot right now. I have come to a major intersection of my beliefs and I am struggling with the turn I must make. This began about a month ago, it was a tremor at first, now it is a major movement in my life. All I felt was truth has begun to fall away and I am for the first time in doubt about what it means to be a Christian.
"The feet upwards, the head downwards he falls"
A month ago I saw a friend of mine who introduced me to much of the apologetics I have clung to, Schaffer, Lewis, and Zakerius. He mentioned to me some of the problems he was struggling with, namely the lack of morality in the Old Testament. I was a little uncomfortable as soon as he voiced his concerns. They were broad and we didn't dwell on them, you cannot really debate morality during a normal afternoon conversation. Instead I went home and began studying.
I set my direction on defending the God of the Old Testament as every bit as merciful and just as the God of the New. This should be easy, its the same God, he didn't change, our perception may have, but he did not. My first stop was David, this study went well. David is not really that hard to defend, nor God's blessings on him. David is a radical, something God always cherishes. He did everything with enthusiasm and without a thought to the opinions of others, including adultery and murder. Despite his sin he was a Godly man, he worshiped, he repented, he acknowledged God.
After David I began to formulate my overall defense and I hit a snag. I began poking around slavery in the Bible and like many before me found myself taken aback. The practice of slavery itself is not to hard to explain, there was no social security of the day, everyday life was like managing a rather large small business. Food did not come in microwaveable containers, water was not available by turning a knob. Slavery was voluntary (for the most part) and not perpetual or based on race. Then there was a disturbing verse in Exodus 21 that lead me to the disturbing verses in Leviticus 25.
I will not write out the verses, they essentially made me doubt God's goodness. Doubting what God gives us as an attribute of himself is dangerous. Who are we to call God on his actions?
Let me tell you about my God, let me tell you that even if you doubt his goodness, even if you don't understand he is good. When I left for Easter service I had begun writing this blog post. I had titled it Doubt, and I set off for church with an unsettled spirit. I sat through worship without worshipping. I could not bring myself to sing praises with the doubt in my heart. The message started and Pastor Greg began talking about doubt.....
Yes, the message was over doubt and unbelief. An Easter service whose message was about doubt. It felt like God came and sat next to me, leaned close and whispered that he knew where I was, and knew what I was struggling with. He said that no matter how much I doubt his goodness he still cares enough about me to seek me out, and to bring me back.
God is great, God is good, let us thank him!!!
