Decline and Fall

After we got back from Washington DC I had a whole lot to say. We had visited a group of sites that are symbols of what our country's soul. I wrote a long post in my personal journal about my feelings, they are not positive, many sites left me with a deep uneasiness at what our country has come to value.

The greater uneasiness also has to do with the decay I see around the capital. There is sense of not necessarily danger, but a sense that you should be cautious when you're walking through DC. I've heard since that DC is not that bad - but not that good either. Here is something that I found interesting though, and that is my response to the capital now as opposed to eight years ago.

Eight years ago I went to DC and found the city incredible. I was in love with DC, spent time jumping between the different sites even late into the night. I was alone for much of that trip (maybe a future blog post) and never felt anything other than complete wonder. This time I felt uneasy for much of the trip, why? Has the city changed. I felt that maybe it had. Since I was there last 9/11 occurred. Where there was once an open lawn in front of the Capital Building now stands an impressive metal fence. The fence looks to be of solid steel and formidable, its not an addition made for aesthetics. You can walk across the lawn, but it is less opened than before. I wondered if perhaps the capital reflected an underlying mood, suspicion, and perhaps I was picking up on that. Another thing that has changed since I went to DC last, and that was now I have a wife.

Assuming the role of a husband and feeling responsible for the safety of another is a strange thing. I wonder if my cautious gaze is not due to my wife walking beside me. It is amazing how much marriage changes you. There is a tendency to feel that marriage is just another step or passing sign in your life, but it is far more than that. I cannot create an analogy that will make sense to those who have not experienced it. I remember my Dad seemed to be constantly telling me that I would "understand when I'm older" and he was right, I do understand now. We are just not capable of comprehending something so far out of the reality we know, we can observe it, but in experience is the only true understanding.

I have thought a lot about the cyclical nature of friendships. I cannot name the number of people who seem to rotate in and out of my life. Friendships are amazing things, they add color and shading to our lives, creating something more vivid than before.

Enough of analogy, why am I thinking about friendships? Well two things. One is the departure of some very dear friends of ours. They are moving to Florida. (Future posts idea -- couple friends -- spent some time inserting it into this post but that is not what this post is about.) They have been our "goto" friends for the past year or so, the friends you call at the spur of the moment to do margaritas, movies, or just hanging out. The great thing about goto friends is that the best times are often had without plans. Over the past year the best of times have been had with our goto friends, they are already missed, and the blank spots in our nights will be hard to fill. We took some pictures of them before they left - one was the picture included in this post. It's hard to watch friends move away, but even harder to watch them drift away.

This weekend we attended a wedding for one of my wife's friends. It was not the happy event that it should have been. A couple of months ago her friend found herself on the wrong side of marriage and pregnant. This weekend she had a small backyard ceremony, and after a few giggled oaths her boyfriend became her husband. It's hard to summarize feelings on such an occasion. There are lots of tight smiles and disingenuous congratulations. Statistics tell us that chances of happy endings in such situations are not good. What type of ending is "good" in such a situation?

On the long drive home my wife sat silently for a long time and stared into the passing East Texas landscape. The sun was casting the last touches of the days light along the fields and small towns we passed. My wife's friend has slowly drifted away over the past couple of years. They were friends whose relationship was based on the past, and that distance is far greater than the one between us and our friends in Florida.

There are tiny margins that separate different possibilities in our lives. How many moments separate any of us from a life far different from the one we picture ourself in. A backyard wedding seems an appropriate example for the choices that mark the biggest of changes in our lives.