Statue from the National Cathedral in Washington DC.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Several years ago I stood in front of the mirror of my apartment's bathroom, I stared into my own eyes and asked myself a question "what are you doing?" The question came on a Sunday afternoon after a weekend filled with sin that I thought of sincerely as fun at the time. I was empty, alone, and sad.
For some time I just stood there, then I prayed and asked God to lead me to somewhere far away from that place.
God did not leave me alone, a few months later I found myself with a group of people I now consider my closest friends. I began going to a college / career group called RLU and I will call it heaven sent, because that's how I felt and feel about it. God answered a deep need, and used a group of single believers to draw me closer to him. I loved RLU, I loved it dearly. It was a moment in my life that I will always look back to as wonderful, it was God answering prayer.
The group disbanded right about the time I met my wife, talk about God's timing. I've felt as though God provided a bridge between two points in my life. He needed me broken first, and he allowed me to get far enough away from him to feel the dark taint of sin, then he gathered me gently back, and put me in a place where I needed to be for my wife.
While it was a short time, I still look back on that time with fondness. What surprises me is the way others talk about that time, and not just about RLU, but about singles groups in general. There is no part of life not filled with some awkwardness, some amount of annoyance, yet for some it seems the focus of all evil in the church is the singles group (exaggerated for effect).
There is a tendency to find fault where others do, something about mob-mentality that destroys the sweetness of something when bitter words are cast out against it. I've heard remarks about how "awkward" that time was, how "messed up" it was, how it was nothing more than a "meat market" and I think to myself, "well why did you go?"
I found myself second guessing my memories of that time, wondering if I somehow left details out. No matter how hard I look though I still cannot find the bitter in anything other than the fact that it is gone, and will not be there for the next "me" who needs a bridge from one part of their lives to the other.
Some memories.
Going to Crystal Beach with Richard to just hang out. Leaving as the sun was rising over I45 sometime around 5AM.
River-Run, my cousin went, it was right before he became a father and such trips were no longer possible.
Suppressed Desire party, I won the "dinner for two."
July 4th party, John Ford with the complete hook up on the house.
Galveston, Brazos Bend, Miller Outdoor Theater, Thursday night - always Thursday, and late night Taco Cabana.
I did know what I had, and its gone, I wouldn't go back, but it was certainly a nice rest stop.
For some time I just stood there, then I prayed and asked God to lead me to somewhere far away from that place.
God did not leave me alone, a few months later I found myself with a group of people I now consider my closest friends. I began going to a college / career group called RLU and I will call it heaven sent, because that's how I felt and feel about it. God answered a deep need, and used a group of single believers to draw me closer to him. I loved RLU, I loved it dearly. It was a moment in my life that I will always look back to as wonderful, it was God answering prayer.
The group disbanded right about the time I met my wife, talk about God's timing. I've felt as though God provided a bridge between two points in my life. He needed me broken first, and he allowed me to get far enough away from him to feel the dark taint of sin, then he gathered me gently back, and put me in a place where I needed to be for my wife.
While it was a short time, I still look back on that time with fondness. What surprises me is the way others talk about that time, and not just about RLU, but about singles groups in general. There is no part of life not filled with some awkwardness, some amount of annoyance, yet for some it seems the focus of all evil in the church is the singles group (exaggerated for effect).
There is a tendency to find fault where others do, something about mob-mentality that destroys the sweetness of something when bitter words are cast out against it. I've heard remarks about how "awkward" that time was, how "messed up" it was, how it was nothing more than a "meat market" and I think to myself, "well why did you go?"
I found myself second guessing my memories of that time, wondering if I somehow left details out. No matter how hard I look though I still cannot find the bitter in anything other than the fact that it is gone, and will not be there for the next "me" who needs a bridge from one part of their lives to the other.
Some memories.
Going to Crystal Beach with Richard to just hang out. Leaving as the sun was rising over I45 sometime around 5AM.
River-Run, my cousin went, it was right before he became a father and such trips were no longer possible.
Suppressed Desire party, I won the "dinner for two."
July 4th party, John Ford with the complete hook up on the house.
Galveston, Brazos Bend, Miller Outdoor Theater, Thursday night - always Thursday, and late night Taco Cabana.
I did know what I had, and its gone, I wouldn't go back, but it was certainly a nice rest stop.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Friendships
A couple of posts ago I commented on the cyclical nature of friendships. My focus of the post was a friend of my wife's but my own friendships came to mind as well. A friend that has drifted in and out over the last several years moved in a couple of apartments down from me this last week. He is a friend, but one of the infrequent friends that seem to populate a work week and not weekend. He is recently divorced, the aftermath of which has left him in a one bedroom apartment in a sad older complex all alone.
Divorce scares me perhaps more than anything else. Its everywhere, and across racial / social divides. There is no segment of the population who are not touched. The Bible says that husband and wife are considered one flesh, one person, it follows that divorce is the murder of that person. Over the past couple of years I have seen the adaption from single to couple, and I can say that I am no longer the same person. I've wondered at divorce more now that I'm married than I did before, how does it work? How do you separate yourself from someone who has been flesh of your flesh? I would find it akin to deciding one day that I could no longer live with my right hand, and taking a hacksaw to it. When you wake up the morning after leaving your (w)(l)ife what part of you is left?
Amputees report still feeling as if their limbs were attached, a man I knew growing up who had lost his pinky said that the worst was when his missing pinky itched. Wouldn't life after divorce have the same sensation, the sense that its still there, but not there enough to actually touch.
My favorite part of Lord of the Rings is Gollum. If there was ever a character that represents sin and ugliness of humanity its him. He is eaten up with the love and hate for something that is torturing him, that has caused him infinite pain, and has driven him away from all he loves and cares for. Try as Gollum might he can never in and of himself be rid of the Ring (or evil), even as it sends him to a fiery abyss he cradles it in his arms and calls it "precious."
What sin in my life do I call "precious" that hurts me, and causes me to hurt others. What may drive others away, and divide me from everything I love and care for.
Divorce scares me perhaps more than anything else. Its everywhere, and across racial / social divides. There is no segment of the population who are not touched. The Bible says that husband and wife are considered one flesh, one person, it follows that divorce is the murder of that person. Over the past couple of years I have seen the adaption from single to couple, and I can say that I am no longer the same person. I've wondered at divorce more now that I'm married than I did before, how does it work? How do you separate yourself from someone who has been flesh of your flesh? I would find it akin to deciding one day that I could no longer live with my right hand, and taking a hacksaw to it. When you wake up the morning after leaving your (w)(l)ife what part of you is left?
Amputees report still feeling as if their limbs were attached, a man I knew growing up who had lost his pinky said that the worst was when his missing pinky itched. Wouldn't life after divorce have the same sensation, the sense that its still there, but not there enough to actually touch.
My favorite part of Lord of the Rings is Gollum. If there was ever a character that represents sin and ugliness of humanity its him. He is eaten up with the love and hate for something that is torturing him, that has caused him infinite pain, and has driven him away from all he loves and cares for. Try as Gollum might he can never in and of himself be rid of the Ring (or evil), even as it sends him to a fiery abyss he cradles it in his arms and calls it "precious."
What sin in my life do I call "precious" that hurts me, and causes me to hurt others. What may drive others away, and divide me from everything I love and care for.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Decline and Fall
After we got back from Washington DC I had a whole lot to say. We had visited a group of sites that are symbols of what our country's soul. I wrote a long post in my personal journal about my feelings, they are not positive, many sites left me with a deep uneasiness at what our country has come to value.
The greater uneasiness also has to do with the decay I see around the capital. There is sense of not necessarily danger, but a sense that you should be cautious when you're walking through DC. I've heard since that DC is not that bad - but not that good either. Here is something that I found interesting though, and that is my response to the capital now as opposed to eight years ago.
Eight years ago I went to DC and found the city incredible. I was in love with DC, spent time jumping between the different sites even late into the night. I was alone for much of that trip (maybe a future blog post) and never felt anything other than complete wonder. This time I felt uneasy for much of the trip, why? Has the city changed. I felt that maybe it had. Since I was there last 9/11 occurred. Where there was once an open lawn in front of the Capital Building now stands an impressive metal fence. The fence looks to be of solid steel and formidable, its not an addition made for aesthetics. You can walk across the lawn, but it is less opened than before. I wondered if perhaps the capital reflected an underlying mood, suspicion, and perhaps I was picking up on that. Another thing that has changed since I went to DC last, and that was now I have a wife.
Assuming the role of a husband and feeling responsible for the safety of another is a strange thing. I wonder if my cautious gaze is not due to my wife walking beside me. It is amazing how much marriage changes you. There is a tendency to feel that marriage is just another step or passing sign in your life, but it is far more than that. I cannot create an analogy that will make sense to those who have not experienced it. I remember my Dad seemed to be constantly telling me that I would "understand when I'm older" and he was right, I do understand now. We are just not capable of comprehending something so far out of the reality we know, we can observe it, but in experience is the only true understanding.
The greater uneasiness also has to do with the decay I see around the capital. There is sense of not necessarily danger, but a sense that you should be cautious when you're walking through DC. I've heard since that DC is not that bad - but not that good either. Here is something that I found interesting though, and that is my response to the capital now as opposed to eight years ago.
Eight years ago I went to DC and found the city incredible. I was in love with DC, spent time jumping between the different sites even late into the night. I was alone for much of that trip (maybe a future blog post) and never felt anything other than complete wonder. This time I felt uneasy for much of the trip, why? Has the city changed. I felt that maybe it had. Since I was there last 9/11 occurred. Where there was once an open lawn in front of the Capital Building now stands an impressive metal fence. The fence looks to be of solid steel and formidable, its not an addition made for aesthetics. You can walk across the lawn, but it is less opened than before. I wondered if perhaps the capital reflected an underlying mood, suspicion, and perhaps I was picking up on that. Another thing that has changed since I went to DC last, and that was now I have a wife.
Assuming the role of a husband and feeling responsible for the safety of another is a strange thing. I wonder if my cautious gaze is not due to my wife walking beside me. It is amazing how much marriage changes you. There is a tendency to feel that marriage is just another step or passing sign in your life, but it is far more than that. I cannot create an analogy that will make sense to those who have not experienced it. I remember my Dad seemed to be constantly telling me that I would "understand when I'm older" and he was right, I do understand now. We are just not capable of comprehending something so far out of the reality we know, we can observe it, but in experience is the only true understanding.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
I have thought a lot about the cyclical nature of friendships. I cannot name the number of people who seem to rotate in and out of my life. Friendships are amazing things, they add color and shading to our lives, creating something more vivid than before.
Enough of analogy, why am I thinking about friendships? Well two things. One is the departure of some very dear friends of ours. They are moving to Florida. (Future posts idea -- couple friends -- spent some time inserting it into this post but that is not what this post is about.) They have been our "goto" friends for the past year or so, the friends you call at the spur of the moment to do margaritas, movies, or just hanging out. The great thing about goto friends is that the best times are often had without plans. Over the past year the best of times have been had with our goto friends, they are already missed, and the blank spots in our nights will be hard to fill. We took some pictures of them before they left - one was the picture included in this post. It's hard to watch friends move away, but even harder to watch them drift away.
This weekend we attended a wedding for one of my wife's friends. It was not the happy event that it should have been. A couple of months ago her friend found herself on the wrong side of marriage and pregnant. This weekend she had a small backyard ceremony, and after a few giggled oaths her boyfriend became her husband. It's hard to summarize feelings on such an occasion. There are lots of tight smiles and disingenuous congratulations. Statistics tell us that chances of happy endings in such situations are not good. What type of ending is "good" in such a situation?
On the long drive home my wife sat silently for a long time and stared into the passing East Texas landscape. The sun was casting the last touches of the days light along the fields and small towns we passed. My wife's friend has slowly drifted away over the past couple of years. They were friends whose relationship was based on the past, and that distance is far greater than the one between us and our friends in Florida.
There are tiny margins that separate different possibilities in our lives. How many moments separate any of us from a life far different from the one we picture ourself in. A backyard wedding seems an appropriate example for the choices that mark the biggest of changes in our lives.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Continuing what I would like to think of as stellar consistency I am posting yet again. I've maintained a once a year post for the last several years. I won't say their worth the wait, but for the one of me that goes back and reads this it doesn't matter :)..
Wow, one bad thing about only posting once a year is the overwhelming amount of material to catch up on. I graduated this semester. I have finished a 10 year long track in getting my BBA. I don't know whether to call it a success or not. The process was so long that I've come to the end not knowing whether to be proud or ashamed. My wife is proud of me, she told me it was comforting that I don't give up on my dreams, and that I won't ever stop working on them.
Other's comment "you've been going to school as long as I've known you." I won't lie it stings a little. I'm aware that by some measure I am like one of the last few crossing the finish line.
Reminds me of a track meet in middle school. I decided to run the 200 (1/2 of the track). I lined up (you could spot me easy because I was the shortest one in the lineup), and waited for the gun (in my mind it was a gun - maybe not), it went off and for a few seconds I was with everyone else, fighting for the lead, then everyone seemed to drop it into some gear I didn't have. I watched as the pack left me further and further behind. It felt as if my legs just wouldn't work properly, I was running as fast as I could and yet when I turned the corner all the others were already at the finish line. I finished the race, and found that I had run my fastest time ever, but my fastest was just not good enough.
Felt that way at graduation. I had run as fast as I could, yet all these kids were crossing when I had just turned the corner. I thought of something a little later on, I remember that race. Along the sideline there were a few of my team-mates and they were cheering for me, they weren't even in the race, but they were supporting me. At graduation I had a sideline as well - my Wife, Mom, Dad, and Mother-in-law. My Mom cried, and I could tell my Dad was proud. They were cheering from the sidelines, but they never made it to the race. I was in the race - even if I finished last, I finished.
Wow, one bad thing about only posting once a year is the overwhelming amount of material to catch up on. I graduated this semester. I have finished a 10 year long track in getting my BBA. I don't know whether to call it a success or not. The process was so long that I've come to the end not knowing whether to be proud or ashamed. My wife is proud of me, she told me it was comforting that I don't give up on my dreams, and that I won't ever stop working on them.
Other's comment "you've been going to school as long as I've known you." I won't lie it stings a little. I'm aware that by some measure I am like one of the last few crossing the finish line.
Reminds me of a track meet in middle school. I decided to run the 200 (1/2 of the track). I lined up (you could spot me easy because I was the shortest one in the lineup), and waited for the gun (in my mind it was a gun - maybe not), it went off and for a few seconds I was with everyone else, fighting for the lead, then everyone seemed to drop it into some gear I didn't have. I watched as the pack left me further and further behind. It felt as if my legs just wouldn't work properly, I was running as fast as I could and yet when I turned the corner all the others were already at the finish line. I finished the race, and found that I had run my fastest time ever, but my fastest was just not good enough.
Felt that way at graduation. I had run as fast as I could, yet all these kids were crossing when I had just turned the corner. I thought of something a little later on, I remember that race. Along the sideline there were a few of my team-mates and they were cheering for me, they weren't even in the race, but they were supporting me. At graduation I had a sideline as well - my Wife, Mom, Dad, and Mother-in-law. My Mom cried, and I could tell my Dad was proud. They were cheering from the sidelines, but they never made it to the race. I was in the race - even if I finished last, I finished.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Took this picture at Herman Park's Japanese Garden. The bamboo has all been maked with graffitti, giving it all these man made scars. Pretty cool looking actually. Pictures are frustrating to take underneather their canopy, its dark, and the light doesn't bounce very well. After several attempts got this pic, not to bad. Gonna try morning instead of afternoon next time, the light should work a little better.. 
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Went to Colorado for my Honeymoon. While we were there my wife wanted to go to the Denver Zoo, I'm glad she did, its an amazing place. Denver is tempered enough that the animals stay very active. I think Houston's heat oppresses the animals here, thinking of starting a movement to "Free the Monkeys..."
Friday, June 30, 2006
Never happy with the candids I take of people, this one is no exception, but I found something to like about the pic after I had given it a more film grain style look. This was taken late night in Quincy Market. These two gentlemen seemed to spend themselves arguing some point I was to polite to listen in on, then paused for several minutes as if to regain a sense of composure. I snapped a couple of pics from the side. I wonder if my pic is floating around digital photo albums. I will never know these two men but here I have captured this quiet moment that seems almost intimate.
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